Friday, May 10, 2013

Games for Tired Moms

As of late I've been working a lot. A ridiculous amount actually. It has lead to increased drinking, reduced sleeping, and your basic stressed induced insanity. 

To ease the anxiety of my present lifestyle I was forced to invent some new games to remain involved with my tiny humans while exerting the least amount of energy. 

Read on, you never know when you may need to pull these tricks from the big bag of parenting... 

1) Let's Play Puppy! Mommy will lay on the couch, toss a ball, and children pretend to be puppies fetching ball! This was fun for at least 20 minutes - with a few small breaks between but for 1 and 3 yr olds, that's pretty damn good. 

2) Let's Play Pretend Sleep! This is a fabulous game in which all players lay down and pretend to be sleeping. Yep, that's it. For unknown reasons fake snoring is highly fun for children which is especially excellent for sleepy parents. 

3) Painting Mommy's Toenails! This game can be tricky. It should only be done outdoors. WARNING: You might walk away with a seriously scary pedicure. However, the end result is the same. Mommy gets to stop moving for at least 15 minutes while child is happily and safely occupied. It's worth the extra money you will spend on polish remover, trust me. 

Parents/Grandparents/Sitters and Childcare Givers of all kinds hope you will find these little games helpful on your next exhausted night... And the Bright Side is that when the children tire of these "motionless" games there's a Starbucks on nearly every corner offering tasty caffeinated beverages. ROCK ON with your tired self!


Friday, April 12, 2013

Bad Egg?

I love being a mom, and most of the time I feel like I'm fairly decent at this all-encompassing role that shapes and builds another life from the ground up, no pressure...

However, there are days that I have to question my skills... Such as this particular day in which I found I apparently have zero ability to make acceptable Easter Eggs. Evidence below... 


Not only did we make the eggs 2 weeks AFTER Easter, I failed to read the 3-step instructions correctly. Yes, just 3-steps. I will blame this on the fact that I am busy, working 10-12 hour days and still making my best attempt at motherhood in which sometimes a Better Late than Never policy must apply. 

What went wrong?

While my perfectly boiled eggs underwent the fascinating process of dying, the shells actually started to peel. Who knew the shell could peel? This was my first clue something may have gone wrong. I quickly pulled all floaters and re-read said instructions. Oh yeah, water to dilute the vinegar.... OOPS!

I then proceeded to panic and added way too much water! This solution was not much better.  

We had to wait three-times as long for color absorption.

And even after tripling the dye-time, the color was weak, I could possibly call them pastel. The pink was no longer visible to the human eye and of course this is the daughter's favorite color... I definitely sensed the disappointment and questioned, as mother, am I a bad egg?

Looking at the Bright Side, with 1 and 3 year-olds you can pull off a few of these absolutely ridiculous pinterest fail type activities and they are none-the-wiser. However, I better get my #*$ together soon because I know all too well that sooner or later they will be on to me. A scary thought, and you can't let 'em smell fear!

Friday, April 5, 2013

Welcome to Ponyville

There's something important that we must discuss immediately...
Who is responsible for naming the My Little Ponies
And who the "H" approved said names? 
Seriously. I cannot get passed it. As a former lover of the MLPs, I grew up anti-Barbie and Dolls. I was all MLPs all the time and Friendship really was Magic. But I swear to the Holy one they had normal names back in the day. Names like Applejack. What happened? 
Photo from "imisstheoldschool.com". Me too myfriend!

If you're not familiar with the newly named ponies, let me enlighten you with a few of my faves.
  • Scootaloo: A Pegasus Pony possibly named by someone obsessed with the childhood tune "Skip to My Lou". Which, by the way, I just learned on the 100% true Wikipedia was a popular tune during the Frontier Period and used at "Play Parties". Since dancing was frowned upon, "play parties" consisted of participants clapping to create music and hopping about while swapping partners. Who knew?
  • Pinkie Pie: I couldn't make this up and I'm not even sure where to go on this one but it seems like something an overly-hormonal teenage boy may have conjured... And PS - Her full name, spoken by her mother in The Cutie Mark Chronicles, is Pinkamena Diane Pie. Again, I'm at a loss. 
  • Cheerilee: The person responsible for this brilliant gem of a name may have been a cheerleader back in High School. The "Cheerleader" years may have been the peak of this pony-naming individual's life and therefore that person paid tribute to that time of life. It's all I got.
  • Twilight Sparke: Twilight Sparkle is an Alicorn. I'm sure you're aware but just in case you are not, an Alicorn is a Pegasus Unicorn Princess Pony. Awesome. Twilight Sparkle also sounds as though she may have earned her way into Ponyville on the pole. 
I was briefly saddened at the whack names of the ponies of now. But then I looked at the Bright Side and realized I appreciated the names. They sparked my imagination and gave me confidence that one day I may have an "in" at Hasbro. I'm pretty sure I can do better than those sparkle-gem-apple-crusted-sing-songy-WTF names. For starters, how about these ditties I came up with in under 2 minutes: 
  • Nutters: A bay colored pony with corresponding light-colored Peanuts on the hiney. Cute, right?
  • Honey: A Palomino with tiny honey bees on the butt. This name is inspired by the horse named Honey of my past that attempted to "Stop, Drop, and Roll" while I was still in saddle. Fact.
  • Biscuit: A marmalade shade, this pony bears the stamp of tiny Grandville Biscuits on the booty.
And now, in case you wish for more My Little Pony knowledge or plan to host a MLP Trivia game, much of the info on this post was acquired via this site: http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/List_of_ponies. I encourage you to visit and warn you that you will be shocked at the level of information available. I question who on the planet Earth had the time to spend to create this website? It is really above and beyond the call of Ponyville Duty - if only someone had spent this amount of energy on the names...

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Pinterest Perfect Decorating, Courtesy of the Sunshine Bomb

Pinterest Peeps! You will positively fall in love with these easy DIY decorating ideas. Hell, they're so simple your children can help!

Let's begin with what I call Tea Party to Go

You can clearly see that possibilities abound with this clever yet functional decor idea. Simply toss tea party supplies absolutely anywhere and you'll not only sprinkle your floor with tea party fun, you are also ready for crumpets any time, any place.









Next up is the Fancy Wine Thing Stashed in a Corner.

 A two-foot tall wine decanter that absolutely exudes elegance while neatly stashed in the corner of a home office for over 3 years, always longing to release the bouquet of a fine wine... A convenient location that could double as an adult "time-out" corner with a robust bottle of red.








And lastly for this entry of Pinterest Perfect, Closet Art. 
 
I know what you're thinking! What a FABULOUS way to dress up a closet! And it's as easy as spending countless hours searching for that precise piece of art that will make a room and then prop it up in a closet for months on end.









There's no need to go searching for the Bright Side in this tale of DIY tips, it's obvious. Not only will you save yourself a pretty penny by not hiring an over-priced decorator, but you will find that you are the envy of all your friends!

Friday, March 8, 2013

"Wish in One Hand....

....Shi* in the other. See which one fills up first!"

In my experience it has never been the hand holding the "wish." Ahh, one of my father's favorite smart-ass responses. And I have to admit it's a pretty good one, one that I found myself pondering  late last night as I sat up watching trash TV and "wishing..."

In this case I was wishing I had the money of the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" so I too could be traversing Paris with friends and sipping the bubbly. Versus facing my actual reality which consisted of dealing with week 6 of the Puke-Fest of 2013, a sink full of dirty dishes, an over-flowing laundry basket, and an inbox full of unanswered emails, i.e. work.

But as I always try to find the Bright Side (wine helps) this case was no different. Instead of being angry I attempted to explore all the reasons why my life is oh so much better than the "RHOBHs..."

1) As a RHOBH you are apparently expected to sport 4-5" heels at all times. While I love a fabulous heel as much as the next girl, I'm not sure I could pull that off for miles of shopping the strip. I feel fairly confident I would be quickly escorted out of the club if I arrived wearing a "Stride-Rite". Ok, even I wouldn't do that but you get the point...
Photo via: www.celebritynetworth.com


2) Even while enjoying the amazing view of Paris from the Eiffel Tower with a glass of amazing Champagne, you will still be faced with drama. During this particular episode two wives rehashed a ridiculous misunderstanding that had happened months ago. Really? Is this necessary NOW? In Paris? At the Eiffel Tower? Really?

3) Pressure to spend. I cannot help my frugal nature and I have a feeling even if I were rolling with some serious bank, I'd still be practical. Practical doesn't exist with these so-called "Real" housewives. I recall an episode in which Taylor spent over $50,000 on her daughter's birthday party. And her daughter didn't even like it!!! My daughter will be turning 4 soon and all I can say is, Wow! I sure am lucky that I don't have to spend $50 large on a party! 

4) You cannot over-consume alcoholic beverages in peace. It would seem every time one of the so-called ladies goes a little overboard there's an intervention, a twitter-outbreak, and suddenly everything you do is scrutinized. Don't get me wrong, I can't understand what Kim is saying either, but hey, we all have our moments. 

Sooo... I'll take my dirty dishes and puking children and rock on in my Stride-Rites. They can keep Paris! Was any of this convincing at all?

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Gold Nuggets

Back in the college days my roommate and I would frequently discuss how intensely our lives would improve if only we could locate the lost gold nuggets. We consumed a great deal of alcohol when we had these discussions and never did discover the missing nuggets. PS - I find "nuggets" to be a hilarious word and therefore will abuse the term throughout this post. 
(Photo via gemrockauctions.com)

In any case, while I don't have any real solid gold nuggets to share amongst friends, I have learned a few things along this bumpy road of motherhood and perhaps some of you will feel "enriched" after reading. That said, enjoy the nuggets. 

1) Never say never. Just don't. If you choose to take the risk and say "never," do understand that this is actually a form of foreshadowing. For example: Upon viewing an unsightly display at a neighbors home I professed in a judgemental manner, "I will NEVER have a plastic kid playhouse in my backyard or multi-colored bins over-flowing with toys. I will have nice storage bins that are perfectly organized and labeled a la Pottery Barn Kids.

OR, I'll wake up one day to find I have a big plastic house in my backyard and a multi-colored toy bin with absolutely no organization whatsoever. 
 
2) Natural birth vs Epidural. I've tried both and surprisingly lived to tell the tale. Of course birth stories are lengthy, the full story may come in a future post, and I realize everyone has their own opinion on the matter. But the bottom line is this: 

If you prefer not to puke purely due to pain, take this nugget and get yourself an epidural.

3) Breastfeeding. This is an important nugget that will save you future disappointment and prepare you mentally for what is to come. To me, breastfeeding was similar to a DIY project that becomes two or more like 8 times more difficult than you thought it would be. Bonus breastfeeding nugget:

You will find many articles that assure you nipple soreness will subside within a week or so, that's a sham.


4) Weaponry for children. I love the movie "Brave" and so does my 3 year old daughter. (Side note: watch Brave shortly before enjoying adult beverages and you may find yourself speaking with a Scottish accent. An unexpected but super fun side effect that will most likely annoy everyone in your presence which clearly makes it all the more fun). In any case, it's likely a poor choice to give a 3 year old a bow-and-arrow. However, my loving husband decided it was fine. Within 30 seconds of child handling bow she snapped her own cheek leaving a large, red, welt.  

Say it with me, "You'll shoot your eye out kid!"  

5) Poop and other gross stuff. Talk about nuggets. Just a warning to get over yourself and know you'll be handling these items consistently for the next several years of your life.

6) Time Management. I've definitely found that while I thought I was busy before children, I'm now wondering what I could have possibly been doing. I thought I "didn't have time" for networking groups, working out, or other such activities that I'm now doing along WITH having children, running a business, and writing a blog. Hmmm, sort of felt a small sense of accomplishment after typing up this little nugget. 

7) And finally, a Sunshine Bomb exclusive, The Secret Nugget...

Start each morning by putting on your best ball gown and then shot-gun a beer. 

No matter what catastrophes befall you throughout the day, you'll look back and recall that moment that you pounded a beer in your best dress just a few hours prior and this knowledge will make you smile. Ok, in all honesty I've never tried this but it sounds like a potentially good idea. But in all honesty, I have found that waking up and applying Olay Regenerist Intensive Repair Treatment is a fabulous idea. It doesn't show great reviews on the website, but I personally feel I've seen a reduction in wrinkles and fine lines and what more can I ask for?

In conclusion I will examine the bright side of the solid gold nugget. While parenthood is difficult, most likely the hardest thing you will ever do, all the cliches are true in that it is also the most amazing thing you will ever do. But on those difficult days I've found a simple solution. Aside from wine consumption, I highly suggest reading some humorous parenting blogs which will immediately make you aware you're not alone!! And as parents, AKA Warriors, we shouldn't be! 

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Disney Rasta Princess?

I have to know, what UP with the hair on the Disney Princess dolls? Has anyone else noticed that it becomes un-combable within moments of being placed within your childs eager hands? Perhaps at 3 my daughter is too young to maintain the pre-packaged coif? But somehow I don't think that's it. The Strawberry Shortcakes and My Little Ponies remain silky... 

In the end I've decided they all may need an alter-ego to match their newly adopted alternative hair. I invite you to meet the Disney Working Princesses...

RastaBelle
Stunning in her silky, metallic, golden-rod yellow ball-gown, RastaBelle has chosen to go the Rasta way allowing her Auburn mane to become dreadlocks. Some believe the change may have come as a result of time spent dating an actual wolf-mangling beast. NOTE: She has been treated for mange and is good to go! Accessories may include: Tie-dye ball gown and peace pipe.

Up-All-Night Aurora



Bedazzled in pink, you'll find Up-All-Night Aurora to be the perfect pairing for your coke and/or immensely over-caffeinated energy drink habit. She sports a cutting-edge do that requires no combing, no stying, just frizz and go. Accessories may include: Over-sized coffee mug and Shiv.


Snow-Wrong

After years of befriending small wild rodents, birds, and the like, Snow-White decided to don a new look she appropriately calls "the Nest." With a density similar to that of tightly woven sticks and small branches, her wooly mane doubles as an animal-friendly home while still allowing her to rock the club scene on weekends. Accessories may include: 2 decoy eggs to be placed in "the Nest"

The Bright-Side of the bombshells with the bad shells? One less doll for the mom to brush and do hair. Even the 3 year-old knows there's no point in trying with this tragic Trio of the Evening... 


Wednesday, January 30, 2013

An Ode to the Big Brown Baby...

The equine of the family has not gotten much love from this blog which may seem odd considering he is the largest member by about 1100 lbs. And since he adds much to my life, here's the story of how the Brazilian Thoroughbred Maximilliano came into my world....

For as long as I can remember I wanted a horse. Doesn't every girl? And while I couldn't have my own, I did have a guinea pig which was almost as cool. Aside from the fact that it squealed all night, pooped on the carpet, chewed holes in my clothes, and you couldn't saddle it and go for a ride it was pretty much the same thing. Ok, not even close. But I one of my best friend's actually had horses and so occasionally I did do some riding - if you can call it that. 



A few things I learned during these various riding attempts:
  1. Yes, horses can read you like a book. I am a pushover and I distinctly remember when "Honey" decided to stop, drop, and attempt to roll while I was still in saddle. Thanks "Honey" for that teaching moment. 
  2. Approaching a happy horse in a grassy pasture with a lead rope hidden behind your back really just means, "run like hell" in horse. 
  3. If a horse begins to pick up the pace without you asking, that momentum will continue if you do not choose to stop it. While galloping is fun, it's not advised for the amateur rider. 
  4. It would take too long to get into the details of this event, but take it from me. Do not set one inexperienced rider on a horse and have them hold the reigns of another horse that is being ridden by a less experienced rider. You're really just asking for an unplanned rodeo. 
With these "hard" lessons behind me I decided at the ripe age of 30 horses needed to be in my life again. For a hot minute I thought, "I would just buy one off ebay and figure it out!" But upon further thought, I opted for lessons first. By chance I found an amazing Natural Horsemanship trainer. Not that I knew what that meant, I just discovered this lady would teach an adult everything from the ground up which I needed as I didn't even know how to put on the saddle... For her privacy I won't mention her name here. But should you ever want the best in horse training from a true horse whisperer, email me here! This is a kind, humble woman who cannot help herself from helping others and she takes far too little credit.

And so the lessons began and yes, I did feel like a total boob as the only student over 11. But the hours spent learning were well worth it and I'm about 97% sure they saved my life about 18 times. 

 

NOTE: Do NOT purchase a horse without taking lessons from a trusted horse mentor.


And so eventually I met Maximilliano. He was the tallest, most handsomest horse in the barn and he had won over a hundred and fifty thousand dollars in his former career as a race horse. He was also the meanest SOB in the barn, ear pinnnig and biting every time I came near him. But I discovered he was for lease and hoped that with help perhaps there was a happier Max inside?

My first ride with Max. Sitting on a giant horse in a small round pen I'm told to ride around a bit, the trainer will be back in a few minutes. At least 17 minutes passed (but who was counting) and we didn't move an inch. Every time I suggested we move forward there was more ear pinning and more me discovering my inner wienie. But I didn't get tossed so I figured this was a good sign. When the whisperer reappeared she spent about 8 minutes having a "Come to Jesus" moment with Max. During this time nothing happened to him other than he had to run sideways which was apparently horrible for a horse. Max came running back to me a perfect Angel. I may have exaggerated a tad but the horse literally did a 180.

With his new attitude Max proved to be my horse love and soon enough I wanted to buy him. For some reason my husband was not on board but it might possibly have been due to the incredibly outrageous cost of upkeep. Good thing I work in marketing and I created a very persuasive PowerPoint presentation that finally got me my horse. (I think Microsoft stole my idea for their dog commercial). And oh how I loved my horse! Every free minute I could sneak to the barn I was there. Of course about 9 months after I finally purchase the horse I've waited for my whole life I get pregnant...

Clearly having a horse has been much more difficult after having children but the bright side is this: Horses have a way of calming people in the strangest way. It doesn't matter what ridiculous, overwhelming, stressful situation you are experiencing. When you are with a horse you forget it for that moment. I speak from experience. Having had my first child without the epidural (and not on purpose) and trying to power through with that BS breathing technique, the only thing that really helped calm me to some small extent was thoughts of my handsome brown baby who loves gatorade and peppermints and now both of my children...Thank you Max.





Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Thank You for the Music

I want this documented because I'm a realist and I know this shiz won't last. My kids actually enjoy my singing. They ask me to sing to them. I'm not going to be joining Glee anytime soon because truly, nobody (else) enjoys my singing and therefore the ratings would tank. Otherwise I'm sure the show producers would call and ask me to do a guest appearance. Anyway, my children DO like my singing and sometimes, a mommy needs that.

This morning was one of those mornings. Unfortunately (for all involved) the man of the house has had the flu for 4 days and has been less like the man of the house and more like the useless lump of the house. It's been all mommy all the time and I was tired. My entire human hurt because I have been panic exercising in an attempt to insta-remove excess holiday weight by doing "explosive" lunges I read about in Women's Health. (I apologize to any neighbors that may have been witness to the "explosive" lunging.)


In any case I finally dragged myself from the safety of my bed and pretended to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I even made a "blender". (For those unfamiliar, a "blender" is essentially a smoothie but my daughter named it a blender because... it's made in a blender). The blender is a fair amount of work for an overly-tired, pre-caffeinated mommy. It requires going above and beyond with multiple ingredients, cleaning the blender, cutting fruit, etc. But the children love it so I made it. Plus, the blender offers the perfect portable yet healthy option when we're running late to my daughters pre-school. We are always running late. 

Within 4 minutes of handing the children their little cup of sunshine the 1 year old drops his while attempting to carry his cup in addition to two enormous stuffed animals. And thus the downward spiral begins... We are already running late but now I am cleaning a sticky floor, cleaning a sticky child, cleaning sticky stuffed animals, and preparing a new portable breakfast option. You will be impressed to know I did do all of this (silently cursing) and managed to arrive a mere two-minutes late to pre-school. 

But the saving grace of the chaotic morning, the Bright Side, was getting in the car and the kids requesting "We Are Young" by Fun. Thank you children! This was not a Disney Classics kind of morning. And thankfully, they like to hear it loud and everybody sings at the top of their lungs. Even the 1 year old is yelling something incomprehensible. And all former frustration is temporarily gone. Rock on my friends. Rock on. Even if the other children and parents are staring in disgust and possibly horror as you roll into pre-school with your blaring bad voices be loud and be proud. Because for that moment of sanity, it's worth it. 

Monday, January 7, 2013

A Poop in the Hand...

Just last evening I was responding to another blog post in which a mother was sadly packing up her children's old favorite toys and reflecting on days gone by. I was empathizing in a big way, sobbing as I typed. I'm pretty sure PMS may have been a factor.  


Even though my children are only 1 and 3, I totally have break downs thinking of them growing up too fast. I find this to be especially true when I watch Toy Story 3!! Damn that movie. I feel I can never throw another toy in the garbage even though the truth is, some toys NEED to go there...

In any case, shortly after I experience my dramatic and sentimental moment the 3 year old comes running into the house yelling, "Moooommmyyy, Riley's holding poop - in both hands!!!" Awesome. For a split second I ponder, is a poop in the hand worth two in the bush? Aaaahhh... a sobering dose of reality that reminds me it's not all ponies and rainbows. And it only gets worse... 

I run outside and grab the child and force him to toss the stiff dog poop. I then rush him into the bathroom and decide, "maybe we'll do bath time a little early tonight". As I prepare him for the tub he proceeds to do a little decorating in the form of peeing all over the tile and newly washed bath mat. 

As if on cue, my daughter comes dashing into the bathroom slipping into the pee. The good news is that we're in the bathroom, water is running, and they are both promptly placed in the tub as I place towels over the disaster zone and dream of the additional laundry I get to do tonight. 


It was unfortunate that my hubby chose this moment to "ring me" from his 5-star hotel in Miami. Poor guy, he had to work on a Sunday. Entertaining clients the night before having to take them to the BCS Championship game. He called to let me know he was, "heading out for the night, taking an armored limo to go party in South Beach." WTF? He'll pay for this. Maybe not now, but one day...

To top it all off I simultaneously have cookies baking, possibly burning. One of those things that was supposed to be fun to do with the kids but was basically just a big giant shi* storm. Since the post holiday extra poundage they were supposed to be "healthier" cookies baked with wheat flour. Idiot of an idea.Cookies were bland and dry as hell and now I have to clean that up too. At least the kids thought they were amazing! Probably not a lot of time left to fool them on my baking skills...


But the bright side is, of course, the reminder I was given that perhaps children growing up (slowly!) is not all bad. I might not miss the daily intimate encounters with the peepee and the poopy. But for now, I'll be thankful for my friend... Bacardi. Thanks for being there for me friend, and with zero carbs too. That's real friendship.

 


Thursday, January 3, 2013

Is 3 Too Young for a Musical?

AND THE SURVEY SAYS!!! Maybe? 

A little camera shy.
I love musicals but generally have no one to go with me or no time to go. Until NOW. NOW I have a tiny human that doesn't have a choice in the matter. But truly, I do hope to instill in her a love for live performance and was thrilled when the spouse surprised me with two tickets to Mary Poppins the Musical as a Christmas gift. 

I have always believed in the philosophy that life does not stop once you have kids. Things definitely do NOT always go as planned and definitely DO always take four times as long as you planned, but it doesn't stop. That said I've trucked both kids with me just about every where that is kid appropriate since they were born. Occasionally a liquor store which technically might not be considered kid appropriate but the other shoppers understand - you have kids and you may require a sip of something significant now and again or every evening just after 8pm....

All this said I know my daughter is a good kid and she can be trusted in public to at least try to do her best. However, I was clearly nervous in taking her to a live show. She hasn't sat still for over 30 seconds since conception. In other words, it has never happened. Visions of angry theatre patrons giving me the evil eye danced in my head... Alas, we were going to a show! We would do our bestest. Read on for the breakdown. It may help you decide to show, or not to show...
  1. The musical had a 2pm start date and it's a 35 minute drive. The problem with this scenario? Nap time generally begins around 1pm. 
  2. Naturally no nap took place. This heightens the potential for bad behavior, tantrums and the like by approximately 82%. 
  3. Around 12:30 I again proclaim my excitement in that the "girls" get to go to a show. Response: "Mama, I don't want to go. I want to stay home with my brother because I love him and he's my best friend." While endearing, we're going. 
  4. Thankfully a fancy dress with ruffles, velvet and bows can do wonders. Some call this child bribery. I call it a win-win. 
  5. Additionally, she has a Disney music CD and decides she is excited to hear them sing "Chim Chim," as she calls it. 
  6. By the time I'm finally able to get us both dressed and happy with our dresses I'm running late. It's no surprise and more like the story of my life. 
  7. I pack us into the vehicle and proceed to speed. As we round the exit for the parking ramp the child passes out. Finally taking that over due nap. Great timing. Great.
  8. No time to mess with parking I take a spot on the top floor of a six-floor parking ramp about two blocks from the theatre. 
  9. I foolishly decide to let the child sleep a few more minutes and attempt to carry her hurriedly to the show. This proves challenging as I'm wearing heels. But hell, I can do it! I did Disney alone with two kids in JULY. I can do ANYTHING!
  10. I cross the parking ramp carrying the additional 27 lbs. Thank God she's light. As I reach the elevator it has a tiny hand-written sign that reads, "Elevator broken. Sorry for any inconvenience." 
  11. I reach into my fancy handbag and pull out my mini chick gun and proceed to shoot the elevator until the bullets run out. The gun part did not actually happen but I envisioned this scenario and instead moved on to the stairs. There was no time to cross to the front of the ramp and walk further away from the theatre. 
  12. By the time I reach the bottom the child is awake and thankfully happy and excited we're going to a show. I think the fact that there are little girls and their moms everywhere decked out in pretty dresses heading to see Mary Poppins may have been essential.
  13. We find our seats and I'm thrilled to discover that not only are we 3 minutes early, we're seated in gallery seats that are near the door and on the end placed next to another mother with small children. We may have been able to touch the ceiling of this several story theatre, but there is a time and a place to be seated in the nosebleeds and this is one of those times. 
  14. Thankfully I have prepped the child for two days on the importance of being quiet and to whisper if she needs something during the show.
  15. Unfortunately I did not prep the child for two days on the importance of NOT needing something every 30 seconds or the importance of sitting still. 
  16. Withing two minutes of the opening I feel the tap tap on my knee. My little darling "has to go pee pee." She is instructed to wait.
  17. During the next 12 minutes I am told she has to go pee pee at least 17 times. In case you're not a math whiz, that is more than once per minute.
  18. During the same 12 minutes I'm asked repeatedly when we will hear "chim chim". 
  19. Finally I can't take it anymore and we rush to the restroom. 
  20. Clearly on our way back to our seats we hear "Chim Chim" from the hallway. Of course. 
  21. During the next hour I'm tapped on multiple occasions for questions on what's happening and told three or four times, "I have to go poopy sooo bad." 
  22. Again I give up and we hike it quickly to the restroom.
  23. Shortly thereafter is the intermission. Thank God! We can talk, walk, stretch. I will not be purchasing refreshments as I'd prefer to spend the rest of the show in our seats vs the restroom.
  24. After moving from her seat to my lap to the floor and back again twice she finally settles on my lap and passes out cold. Again I THANK GOD! While I'm sorry she missed the end, it may have been necessary for everyone's sanity.
  25. And then, like deja vous, the show ends and I proceed to carry the sleeping child down 5 stories in the theatre - following hundreds of people that have no where to be and are not heaving another human. I begin pushing people down the stairs without regret. Ok, that didn't happen but again, I did imagine it for a minute. Alas, I forge on the two blocks to the parking ramp and then up the the six flights to my car. Curse the heels. Curse the heat. My back muscles are now beginning to spasm, I'm sweating, my hair is flat yet frizzed and the look on my face deters others from commenting. Wise choice.
And would I do it again? In a heartbeat. For all my sarcasm I'm incredibly sentimental and teared up at least nine times looking at my daughter's face light up during this show, literally the bright side of this adventure. And would I wear the heels again? Indeed. I'm just not ready for a sensible flat.