Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Christmas Card Superstar

Yep. That's me. Christmas Card Superstar. Now that Thanksgiving is over I realize it's time to start thinking about the expected although dreaded "family photo Christmas card". Something I never imagined I would partake in as so many people send the photo, no personal message. Don't get me wrong, I like the photos and I get it. Sometimes as a parent one simply doesn't have time to spend hours writing messages on the back of a holiday card. But if parenthood has taught me nothing else, it has taught me the truth of "never say never." (Although I still write a short message on the back of each card hoping this creates some level of personalization). 

In any case, each year I strive to get a quality photo in which all family members are smiling, eyes open, facing the camera,  hair and clothing fairly clean, etc. But this is apparently too much to ask. Last year one child was looking the other way but smiling, the other was looking at the camera but crying. And I think I had a hole in my shirt. I ran with it. There comes a point in which one must move forward. I probably should have given up and opted for this thumb print card idea...

But crying, eyes closed, hair out of place, etc, all pale in comparison to the rockin' card I made the first year my daughter was born. The photo was actually perfect. Everyone was smiling and happy laying on a blanket on the beach facing the camera. It was truly cute, festive, and frame worthy.... until of course you read the printed note. The one in which I wrote the Merry Christmas message from each family member including both dogs and the horse but FORGOT to include my daughter. Pretty much the only person in the photo anyone cared to see. 

Shortly after I sent my adorable family photo Christmas cards I noticed I had received many emails and a few voicemails. At first I thought perhaps I was hearing from long lost friends to chat about that cute baby on the card. Ummmm, no. They were calling to inform me I was a complete momo and forgot to include my own daughter on the freaking family photo Christmas card. While it was great the horse said hello, they found it strange the new mommy left out the child. Embarrassing to say the least. Although my mother was kind enough to offer that she thought I left her out on purpose since I signed the note on the back from my daughter. Thanks mom. But it's ok. I can handle the truth... 


The bright side of this tale of Christmas card embarrassment? I did have a memorable card amongst the many and it did lead to lots of contact with old friends... But will I ever live that down? Need a Sunshine Bomb.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Attack Squirrels?

Just curious, when did squirrels cross the line of becoming straight up attack animals?Just saw this posted at the park. Should I truly be concerned about a gang of street tough squirrels taking me down?  

I guess the bright side is that they appear to be unarmed... 

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Jedi Mind Trick for Parents

Do you find yourself endlessly aggravated as you toss out countless amounts of food and dump gallons of milk down the drain that your children did not or will not consume? It feels like hundreds of dollars going to waste, not to mention my time in preparing it! I could not handle it anymore. Hence, the Jedi mind trick. 

Now, as I'm scraping approximately $4.42 worth of chicken and vegetables into the trash I tell myself, "they ate so perfectly tonight. I'm so happy I was able to spend 1 hour and 48 minutes preparing this meal and spent $22 purchasing it. They are really going to grow big and strong by eating this healthy, home-cooked meal. I could have easily gone the easy/cheap route and fed them a 50cent hotdog, but I'm so happy I went the extra mile and paid the extra buck!" 

Of course they didn't eat well. Both the money and time were basically a bust. However, if they HAD eaten the food it would still be gone. Soooo.... to end my insanity I will fool myself into to believing the food went into their tummies vs my trash. And until I discover a Jedi mind trick to actually make them eat the food, I would suggest parents take my advice and start fooling yourself. The next time you're at the heaping garbage can you may just find yourself thankful for that little Sunshine Bomb.

And of course the bright side of all of this... my dogs always come immediately when called because hey, they're opportunists and they sure as hell won't pass up a good plate of left-overs.  

Friday, November 9, 2012

Goldilocks and the 3 Potty Chairs...

There's new trend in our house. Apparently the potty chair in the "child" designated bathroom is too tall, the mini "child" potty chair is too small, but the mommy potty chair is JUUUUST right. 

Each night for the past two weeks I've been awakened at about 4am to the startling sound of tiny feet tearing into my room and straight to the bathroom. After a few moments pass I hear the tiny feet approach as I'm told, "mommy, I just had to use your potty chair." Then the tiny feet quickly pitter-pat back across the house into the darkness. I'm never sure what I'll find in the morning...

While I don't necessarily appreciate the 4am wake-ups, I guess the bright-side of the nightly surprise visits by the Restroom Goldilocks is that at least she is using a potty chair and not a mattress, diaper, or something worse...

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Top 10 Reasons for Halloween Duds

You've seen them. You know the houses I speak of. The neighbors that are mysteriously absent each year on Halloween. No lights, no festive decor, and most certainly no candy!

I remember these houses when I was a kid on a candy hunt and now taking my own children trick-or-treating I see the Halloween duds are still in effect. Since the majority of my friends and neighbors blow it out on Halloween, I was trying to conjure up some ideas as to why some people choose to be rotten pumpkins on Halloween.... Feel free to add your own ideas.

10. Lack of will-power. They cannot come within 100 feet of candy or binging takes place.

9. They spent all their candy money on crack. It happens.

8. Laziness. Some people simply cannot be bothered to buy the candy and then spend an entire hour or two passing it out to kids whose parents spent either way too much time, money or both on costumes.

7. They hate tiny humans.

6. Perhaps they have a bumb hip or knee and cannot get up and down frequenty to answer the door.

5. They have had really bad dental experiences and an abundance of cavities and can no longer support sugar-intake of any kind.

4. Full-Time Dud. Some people are just cranky, no-fun, duds in all aspects of their life. Halloween is just one more opportunity to be a stick-in-the-mud.

3.  The home owner is an actual witch and offened by a holiday that makes a mockery of the black magic.

2. Bad childhood experience. Maybe a super lame Halloween costume that lead to teasing. (Mom, that one is for you. Do you remember the owl made out of cardboard and a gunny-sack? Thankfully I'm not scarred.)

1. Fear. I must admit that every year on Halloween I get a little freaked out as I feel it is the perfect time to murder someone. Everyone is in costume and quite frankly they could lay your dead corpse on the front lawn and people would just assume it was a really great score from a Halloween store.

But the bright side to having Halloween Duds in the neighborhood is that they make my minimal effort consisting of a few strings of lights, some pumpkins, and of course the candy look great! Thanks Duds and Happy Halloween.