Monday, September 10, 2012

The Disney Challenge

A Grueling Tale of Mom vs Pull-UP

Shortly after turning two my daughter was potty trained… during the day; night came with “sleeping pants”. Initially I wasn’t worried about this phase as every parent on the planet professed, “one day she will magically wake up dry.” She soon turned three and the so-called “magic dry-pants” theory remained a theory. It was time to pull out the real magic, Disney bribery.

Read closely potty-training parents because this plan worked like a charm cast by a Disney fairy. Here’s how it worked:
Step 1: Promised to take my potty trainee to Disney if she could go seven consecutive nights without peeing in the sleeping pants. Hence, the Disney Challenge.
Step 2: There is no step 2. Within 12 days of proposing the Disney Challenge she conquered it. 

The problem with my brilliant plan was that I proposed it in JULY, in FLORIDA! All I could think was at least I wouldn’t have to trek the park dressed as the Beast character. That poor bastard better get bank because there is nothing magical about that costume in 97 degrees and 80% humidity. Nothing.

 In any case, my husband had a conference in Orlando a week later and again I have a stroke of brilliance… I will take my two kids to the park ALONE while he is at the conference because afterwards we can all stay with him at the Marriott with the cool pool!! I’m here to tell you right now, that pool was not that cool. 

We live 2 hours from Disney so I dragged myself magically out of bed at 5am to pack. I have both kids up and ready to go by 6:30 to beat the heat and the crowds. We arrive at the Magic Kingdom early, but not before the sun or the crowds. Damn.

Below is a lovely sequence of events that followed:
1)      Park and pack both kids into the double-wide (D-W) stroller and hike it to the tram which will take us to the park, sort of.
2)      Arrive at the tram pick-up point and wait 8 minutes for it to roll up.
3)      I soon realize the D-W stroller is too large for the tram and there is no way I can manage both kids even if I could cram it on.
4)      Hike it 10 minutes in the scalding sun on blazing hot pavement to the park entrance.
5)      Wait in line 15 minutes for someone to ram-shack through all my crap and confirm I’m not a terrorist.
6)      Enter the park and hike with my D-W stroller to the ferry to really take us to the park.
7)      Wait in line to board the ferry for 15 minutes. We are the very last people to board.
8)      The ferry moves at the same speed the earth rotates.
9)      At 11:15 we are FINALLY entering the park!!
10)   Within :30 seconds of park entry the Disney Challenge Winner “has to go pee pee.” 10 minute bathroom line.
11)   Thankfully the Disney princesses are housed right by the entry so we do what we’ve done the entire morning, get in line.
12)   Wait 1 hour and 14 minutes to see three princesses.
13)   We arrive at Cinderella first who is followed by Belle and Rapunzel.
14)   After a full morning of waiting the daughter rolls up to Cinderella and asks the obvious question, “Where’s Aurora?” Honestly, where the “H” is Aurora?
15)   We finish the magic princess moment and find a shady spot to eat the cheap lunch I packed at 5am. We are quickly surrounded by the only 7 people on the planet that still smoke. Awesome.
16)   Get in line to meet Tinkerbelle.
17)   Wait 47 minutes when the daughter proclaims the famous words, “I have to go pee pee.” Another less than magical moment.
18)   Got in line for ice cream.
19)   In excitement the daughter drops her sundae into the stroller.
20)   We got the “H” out of Disney by 3p. It took a full 52 minutes to get back to the Marriott with the cool pool where my husband asks if we want to go back to the park at 6 and stay for the fireworks. He has to dodge my right hook. 

And the bright side is… we’re done with sleeping pants… magically. It’s that easy folks.

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