Can I Slap My Nanny?

Or Should I Say EX-Nanny?

I'm not the most maternal of people. I fully admit that I will probably hold your fuzzy, shedding, slobbering, licking, chewing new puppy before I offer to hold your brand new precious human baby. Other people's baby's cry when I take them and quite frankly it makes me nervous. Puppies like everyone. But of course I'm comfortable with my own kids and even I had that terrible, nagging guilt about leaving my kids in someone else's hands while I went to the office 40 hours a week. That said, I was given the opportunity to work part of the time from home with a nanny on-hand to help.

Initially I was nervous the kids would somehow become closer to a younger, more energetic nanny than me, the tired old mommy. How wrong I was...

This past Saturday, our younger, not-so energetic, pregnant nanny up and quit... in an email... with no notice! Thank you for that gong show NANNY! But when my husband initally told me I felt concerned and wanted to call her and tell her it was OK and wish her the best. Afterall, she is pregnant and perhaps this was all too much.

These feelings persisted only until I read her POS email, after which all caring feelings went out the open window like my dog in a moving car (yes, he did do that). My caring, motherly thoughts were instantly replaced with new emotions including, "YOU LITTLE #@*$&)@#!" The reasons for leaving cited in the 8 sentence slacker email were as follows:

1. I'm not happy as your nanny.
2. I dread going to work.
3. I come home with headaches and my Dr. suggested I quit.
4. And #4, my personal favorite and fuel for my newly found anger, "I just never connected with your kids."

Before you determine that we were too hard on the young pregant girl let me share her responsibilities and hours. She worked 2 and half days a week for a total of 20 hours. One of the full days she only had 1 child and 1 and half of those days I was home working and also helping her. She probably loaded and unloaded the dishwasher once a week. LOOK OUT - SLAVE LABOR!!!

I'm honestly an easy-going person, probably too easy-going and perhaps it was my demise. I noticed she wasn't having fun and wasn't playing with the kids in the way she described when she interviewed. But I gave her a pass because I know how it feels to be pregnant and tired. Mistake.

While it equally breaks my heart and angers me that she was so insensitive, in the end we chose to take the high road and sent her a simple response, "Ok, all good." But since a week has gone by and I'm still peeved at the irresponsible and insensitive girl, I will share my "I wish I had said this" list. Here goes...

1. Maybe you could have connected with my kids if you would have ever gotten off your fat, lazy @&# to play with them.
2. Maybe your ^&$#* wouldn't be so fat if you didn't show up with a fast food breakfast every morning. Come to think of it, maybe that's why you felt like crap on a daily basis. You told me you ate healthy for the baby, but I got news little honey. Chick-fil-A breakfast biscuits ain't healthy...
3. I bet a connection could have been made if you would have put down your stupid smart phone and did your job. 
4. You didn't make a connection? Really? Are you joking? My child-fearing friends that will NEVER give birth made a connection. Know how? They chased them around the house... ONCE! And made friends for life. Yep, it's that difficult.

In the end there is a bright side to this story. Her short-sightedness has given me a new view of my children and every time I gaze up their little faces I feel that sense of pride and total adoration. I could not love them more. What I would really like to tell this naive young girl is this, "I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry you didn't take the time to see all the amazing, silly, creative, loving, and sweet things that I see. Good luck with motherhood. It takes two to connect."