Gold Nuggets

Back in the college days my roommate and I would frequently discuss how intensely our lives would improve if only we could locate the lost gold nuggets. We consumed a great deal of alcohol when we had these discussions and never did discover the missing nuggets. PS - I find "nuggets" to be a hilarious word and therefore will abuse the term throughout this post. 

(Photo via gemrockauctions.com)

In any case, while I don't have any real solid gold nuggets to share amongst friends, I have learned a few things along this bumpy road of motherhood and perhaps some of you will feel "enriched" after reading. That said, enjoy the nuggets. 

1) Never say never. Just don't. If you choose to take the risk and say "never," do understand that this is actually a form of foreshadowing. For example: Upon viewing an unsightly display at a neighbors home I professed in a judgemental manner, "I will NEVER have a plastic kid playhouse in my backyard or multi-colored bins over-flowing with toys. I will have nice storage bins that are perfectly organized and labeled a la Pottery Barn Kids." 

OR, I'll wake up one day to find I have a big plastic house in my backyard and a multi-colored toy bin with absolutely no organization whatsoever. 
 
2) Natural birth vs Epidural. I've tried both and surprisingly lived to tell the tale. Of course birth stories are lengthy, the full story may come in a future post, and I realize everyone has their own opinion on the matter. But the bottom line is this: 

If you prefer not to puke purely due to pain, take this nugget and get yourself an epidural.

3) Breastfeeding. This is an important nugget that will save you future disappointment and prepare you mentally for what is to come. To me, breastfeeding was similar to a DIY project that becomes two or more like 8 times more difficult than you thought it would be. Bonus breastfeeding nugget:

You will find many articles that assure you nipple soreness will subside within a week or so, that's a sham.


4) Weaponry for children. I love the movie "Brave" and so does my 3 year old daughter. (Side note: watch Brave shortly before enjoying adult beverages and you may find yourself speaking with a Scottish accent. An unexpected but super fun side effect that will most likely annoy everyone in your presence which clearly makes it all the more fun). In any case, it's likely a poor choice to give a 3 year old a bow-and-arrow. However, my loving husband decided it was fine. Within 30 seconds of child handling bow she snapped her own cheek leaving a large, red, welt.  

Say it with me, "You'll shoot your eye out kid!"  

5) Poop and other gross stuff. Talk about nuggets. Just a warning to get over yourself and know you'll be handling these items consistently for the next several years of your life.

6) Time Management. I've definitely found that while I thought I was busy before children, I'm now wondering what I could have possibly been doing. I thought I "didn't have time" for networking groups, working out, or other such activities that I'm now doing along WITH having children, running a business, and writing a blog. Hmmm, sort of felt a small sense of accomplishment after typing up this little nugget. 

7) And finally, a Sunshine Bomb exclusive, The Secret Nugget...

Start each morning by putting on your best ball gown and then shot-gun a beer. 

No matter what catastrophes befall you throughout the day, you'll look back and recall that moment that you pounded a beer in your best dress just a few hours prior and this knowledge will make you smile. Ok, in all honesty I've never tried this but it sounds like a potentially good idea. But in all honesty, I have found that waking up and applying Olay Regenerist Intensive Repair Treatment is a fabulous idea. It doesn't show great reviews on the website, but I personally feel I've seen a reduction in wrinkles and fine lines and what more can I ask for?

In conclusion I will examine the bright side of the solid gold nugget. While parenthood is difficult, most likely the hardest thing you will ever do, all the cliches are true in that it is also the most amazing thing you will ever do. But on those difficult days I've found a simple solution. Aside from wine consumption, I highly suggest reading some humorous parenting blogs which will immediately make you aware you're not alone!! And as parents, AKA Warriors, we shouldn't be! 

Disney Rasta Princess?

I have to know, what UP with the hair on the Disney Princess dolls? Has anyone else noticed that it becomes un-combable within moments of being placed within your childs eager hands? Perhaps at 3 my daughter is too young to maintain the pre-packaged coif? But somehow I don't think that's it. The Strawberry Shortcakes and My Little Ponies remain silky... 

In the end I've decided they all may need an alter-ego to match their newly adopted alternative hair. I invite you to meet the Disney Working Princesses...

RastaBelle

Stunning in her silky, metallic, golden-rod yellow ball-gown, RastaBelle has chosen to go the Rasta way allowing her Auburn mane to become dreadlocks. Some believe the change may have come as a result of time spent dating an actual wolf-mangling beast. NOTE: She has been treated for mange and is good to go! Accessories may include: Tie-dye ball gown and peace pipe.

Up-All-Night Aurora

Bedazzled in pink, you'll find Up-All-Night Aurora to be the perfect pairing for your coke and/or immensely over-caffeinated energy drink habit. She sports a cutting-edge do that requires no combing, no stying, just frizz and go. Accessories may include: Over-sized coffee mug and Shiv.

Snow-Wrong

After years of befriending small wild rodents, birds, and the like, Snow-White decided to don a new look she appropriately calls "the Nest." With a density similar to that of tightly woven sticks and small branches, her wooly mane doubles as an animal-friendly home while still allowing her to rock the club scene on weekends. Accessories may include: 2 decoy eggs to be placed in "the Nest"

The Bright-Side of the bombshells with the bad shells? One less doll for the mom to brush and do hair. Even the 3 year-old knows there's no point in trying with this tragic Trio of the Evening... 

An Ode to the Big Brown Baby...

The equine of the family has not gotten much love from this blog which may seem odd considering he is the largest member by about 1100 lbs. And since he adds much to my life, here's the story of how the Brazilian Thoroughbred Maximilliano came into my world....

For as long as I can remember I wanted a horse. Doesn't every girl? And while I couldn't have my own, I did have a guinea pig which was almost as cool. Aside from the fact that it squealed all night, pooped on the carpet, chewed holes in my clothes, and you couldn't saddle it and go for a ride it was pretty much the same thing. Ok, not even close. But I one of my best friend's actually had horses and so occasionally I did do some riding - if you can call it that. 



A few things I learned during these various riding attempts:

1. Yes, horses can read you like a book. I am a pushover and I distinctly remember when "Honey" decided to stop, drop, and attempt to roll while I was still in saddle. Thanks "Honey" for that teaching moment. 
2. Approaching a happy horse in a grassy pasture with a lead rope hidden behind your back really just means, "run like hell" in horse. 
3. If a horse begins to pick up the pace without you asking, that momentum will continue if you do not choose to stop it. While galloping is fun, it's not advised for the amateur rider. 
4. It would take too long to get into the details of this event, but take it from me. Do not set one inexperienced rider on a horse and have them hold the reigns of another horse that is being ridden by a less experienced rider. You're really just asking for an unplanned rodeo. 

With these "hard" lessons behind me I decided at the ripe age of 30 horses needed to be in my life again. For a hot minute I thought, "I would just buy one off ebay and figure it out!" But upon further thought, I opted for lessons first. By chance I found an amazing Natural Horsemanship trainer. Not that I knew what that meant, I just discovered this lady would teach an adult everything from the ground up which I needed as I didn't even know how to put on the saddle... For her privacy I won't mention her name here. But should you ever want the best in horse training from a true horse whisperer, email me here! This is a kind, humble woman who cannot help herself from helping others and she takes far too little credit.

And so the lessons began and yes, I did feel like a total boob as the only student over 11. But the hours spent learning were well worth it and I'm about 97% sure they saved my life about 18 times. 

 

NOTE: Do NOT purchase a horse without taking lessons from a trusted horse mentor.

And so eventually I met Maximilliano. He was the tallest, most handsomest horse in the barn and he had won over a hundred and fifty thousand dollars in his former career as a race horse. He was also the meanest SOB in the barn, ear pinnnig and biting every time I came near him. But I discovered he was for lease and hoped that with help perhaps there was a happier Max inside?

My first ride with Max. Sitting on a giant horse in a small round pen I'm told to ride around a bit, the trainer will be back in a few minutes. At least 17 minutes passed (but who was counting) and we didn't move an inch. Every time I suggested we move forward there was more ear pinning and more me discovering my inner wienie. But I didn't get tossed so I figured this was a good sign. When the whisperer reappeared she spent about 8 minutes having a "Come to Jesus" moment with Max. During this time nothing happened to him other than he had to run sideways which was apparently horrible for a horse. Max came running back to me a perfect Angel. I may have exaggerated a tad but the horse literally did a 180.

With his new attitude Max proved to be my horse love and soon enough I wanted to buy him. For some reason my husband was not on board but it might possibly have been due to the incredibly outrageous cost of upkeep. Good thing I work in marketing and I created a very persuasive PowerPoint presentation that finally got me my horse. (I think Microsoft stole my idea for their dog commercial). And oh how I loved my horse! Every free minute I could sneak to the barn I was there. Of course about 9 months after I finally purchase the horse I've waited for my whole life I get pregnant...

Clearly having a horse has been much more difficult after having children but the bright side is this: Horses have a way of calming people in the strangest way. It doesn't matter what ridiculous, overwhelming, stressful situation you are experiencing. When you are with a horse you forget it for that moment. I speak from experience. Having had my first child without the epidural (and not on purpose) and trying to power through with that BS breathing technique, the only thing that really helped calm me to some small extent was thoughts of my handsome brown baby who loves gatorade and peppermints and now both of my children...Thank you Max.

Thank You for the Music

I want this documented because I'm a realist and I know this shiz won't last. My kids actually enjoy my singing. They ask me to sing to them. I'm not going to be joining Glee anytime soon because truly, nobody (else) enjoys my singing and therefore the ratings would tank. Otherwise I'm sure the show producers would call and ask me to do a guest appearance. Anyway, my children DO like my singing and sometimes, a mommy needs that.

This morning was one of those mornings. Unfortunately (for all involved) the man of the house has had the flu for 4 days and has been less like the man of the house and more like the useless lump of the house. It's been all mommy all the time and I was tired. My entire human hurt because I have been panic exercising in an attempt to insta-remove excess holiday weight by doing "explosive" lunges I read about in Women's Health. (I apologize to any neighbors that may have been witness to the "explosive" lunging.)

In any case I finally dragged myself from the safety of my bed and pretended to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I even made a "blender". (For those unfamiliar, a "blender" is essentially a smoothie but my daughter named it a blender because... it's made in a blender). The blender is a fair amount of work for an overly-tired, pre-caffeinated mommy. It requires going above and beyond with multiple ingredients, cleaning the blender, cutting fruit, etc. But the children love it so I made it. Plus, the blender offers the perfect portable yet healthy option when we're running late to my daughters pre-school. We are always running late. 

Within 4 minutes of handing the children their little cup of sunshine the 1 year old drops his while attempting to carry his cup in addition to two enormous stuffed animals. And thus the downward spiral begins... We are already running late but now I am cleaning a sticky floor, cleaning a sticky child, cleaning sticky stuffed animals, and preparing a new portable breakfast option. You will be impressed to know I did do all of this (silently cursing) and managed to arrive a mere two-minutes late to pre-school. 

But the saving grace of the chaotic morning, the Bright Side, was getting in the car and the kids requesting "We Are Young" by Fun. Thank you children! This was not a Disney Classics kind of morning. And thankfully, they like to hear it loud and everybody sings at the top of their lungs. Even the 1 year old is yelling something incomprehensible. And all former frustration is temporarily gone. Rock on my friends. Rock on. Even if the other children and parents are staring in disgust and possibly horror as you roll into pre-school with your blaring bad voices be loud and be proud. Because for that moment of sanity, it's worth it. 

A Poop in the Hand...

Just last evening I was responding to another blog post in which a mother was sadly packing up her children's old favorite toys and reflecting on days gone by. I was empathizing in a big way, sobbing as I typed. I'm pretty sure PMS may have been a factor.  

Even though my children are only 1 and 3, I totally have break downs thinking of them growing up too fast. I find this to be especially true when I watch Toy Story 3!! Damn that movie. I feel I can never throw another toy in the garbage even though the truth is, some toys NEED to go there...

In any case, shortly after I experience my dramatic and sentimental moment the 3 year old comes running into the house yelling, "Moooommmyyy, Riley's holding poop - in both hands!!!" Awesome. For a split second I ponder, is a poop in the hand worth two in the bush? Aaaahhh... a sobering dose of reality that reminds me it's not all ponies and rainbows. And it only gets worse... 

I run outside and grab the child and force him to toss the stiff dog poop. I then rush him into the bathroom and decide, "maybe we'll do bath time a little early tonight". As I prepare him for the tub he proceeds to do a little decorating in the form of peeing all over the tile and newly washed bath mat. 

As if on cue, my daughter comes dashing into the bathroom slipping into the pee. The good news is that we're in the bathroom, water is running, and they are both promptly placed in the tub as I place towels over the disaster zone and dream of the additional laundry I get to do tonight. 

It was unfortunate that my hubby chose this moment to "ring me" from his 5-star hotel in Miami. Poor guy, he had to work on a Sunday. Entertaining clients the night before having to take them to the BCS Championship game. He called to let me know he was, "heading out for the night, taking an armored limo to go party in South Beach." WTF? He'll pay for this. Maybe not now, but one day...

To top it all off I simultaneously have cookies baking, possibly burning. One of those things that was supposed to be fun to do with the kids but was basically just a big giant shi* storm. Since the post holiday extra poundage they were supposed to be "healthier" cookies baked with wheat flour. Idiot of an idea.Cookies were bland and dry as hell and now I have to clean that up too. At least the kids thought they were amazing! Probably not a lot of time left to fool them on my baking skills...

But the bright side is, of course, the reminder I was given that perhaps children growing up (slowly!) is not all bad. I might not miss the daily intimate encounters with the peepee and the poopy. But for now, I'll be thankful for my friend... Bacardi. Thanks for being there for me friend, and with zero carbs too. That's real friendship.